     Super Hamster
Curse of the Kooky Cult

     It was a dark and stormy 
night.  There was a 60% chance
of heavy thundershowers just
north of the city.  The city
would be Redwood, CA.  The 
year is 2039 ad.  Deep in the
heart of the anemic metropolis
was the mecca for freaky 
refugees of a bygone era.  It
was Don's Disco Inferno.  And
this seemingly innocent 
establishment is where we set 
our scene.  Don's had been
a site of much trouble over 
the years.  From the day that
Big Daddy Don broke ground on
its construction until this
very day it had been plagued 
by an omnipresent Phantom
of the Disco.  This deformed
disco dancer donned a dainty
disguise in the form of a 
porcelain mask covering the 
disfigured portion of his 
face.  During construction of 
the dance hall he snuck into
the sewers and fashioned a 
secret lair for himself.  From
there he would make demands of 
the disco manager and smote
him with the punjab lasso if
the demands were not met.
(the punjab being a lasso that
smote people who used puns too
frequently hence the name 
Pun-Jab)
The phantom was content while
the family that owned the 
disco suffered.  Soon they had
so little money they had to 
send the youngest of the kids
to be the new manager.  When
they no longer could afford to
supply the phantom with his 
every whim he got ticked off.
He then threatened to smote
Don the epileptic bartender/
manager.  Don fearing for his
life called the Pentagram in
Washington D.C. (okay he 
over reacted just a little)
George Bush, secretary of 
defense and petroleum jelly
immortal, found that there
was someone on the pentagram
payroll in the city of 
Redwood.  It was of course
Super Hamster, defender of
the um, well, er, we'll just
leave it at defender.  When
Super Hamster's girlfriend 
Mindy heard that he was going
to the inferno she had to go
and try out her latest disco
steps.  Since S.H. didn't 
expect much trouble he figured
they could have some fun at 
a human club and get paid for 
it to boot.  So with that they
were off.  


Meanwhile somewhere in Redwood

A tall insect like creature 
scowled at a blurred image on
the wall.  He was relatively 
sure that it was the daughter
of King Nestor he was seeing 
but it was so many years since
he last saw her and she had 
taken so many forms he just
couldn't be sure.  She was a
fat old gypsy woman sitting
on a park bench talking to 
herself.  That in itself was
not uncommon.  What was 
uncommon was when she would
argue with herself, no, 
with her crystal ball, and
it would argue back with 
words printed across its
surface.  Now there could
be no doubt.  Madame 
Roseallini was in fact the
long lost princess of Plankton
therefore her father must be 
in the crystal ball.  (okay
maybe its a little of a 
stretch).  Convinced that
his quarry had been found he
called together the kooky cult
to assemble tonight at the 
secret meeting place.  He 
also summoned Darko the kooky
sage who was the head honcho 
of the cult.  He needed him
to do a little favor.  With
everything in place the giant
bug prepared the visions and
broadcast them over time\space
into the murky sky above.

Back to the original plot

Upon arriving at the disco
Mindy and S.H. didn't see
anything out of the ordinary
so Mindy began to dance while
S.H. laughed at her.  But
unbeknownst to them,
the phantom saw the dance and 
became infatuated with our
hoofing heroine.  When Mindy
was through making a fool of
herself with disco gyrations
she and S.H. sat on the cat 
walk.  Surveying the situation
mindy commented.

MINDY- The french would hate 
this
SH-Mindy!
MINDY- You know its true.  
they'd say look at zeez zilly
americanz doing zere zilly 
danze hough hough hough pazz
me zome wine.
SH- Thank you for alienating
an entire ethnic group of our
audience.
MINDY- We have an audience?
SH- I certainly hope so.
MINDY- Wow, what a nifty 
development.  Mayhaps I should
woo them back with a 
gratuitous display of female
stuff.
SH- We're talking about the 
French Minderelli, try a 
subdued waif like androgynous
display
MINDY- S.H., I don't want no
more of the crying game.
SH- You and me both my little
gelatin mold.

Suddenly Mindy begins to 
vocalize strangely as the
plot gets more and more 
extravagant

MINDY- At night
he was on TV
I saw him
and was not the same
that leisure suit
still calls to me
though devoid of brand name
But will
he dance again?
Would he be kind?
The Phantom of the Disco
is there-
in my orange rind
SH- Okay mindy thats one too
many orangy squeezy zima 
umbrella drinks for you.
By the way why were you 
singing about John Travolta?
PHANTOM- Dance once 
again with me
my fluffy
pet...
your grace 
in platform shoes
gets better 
yet...
and while
you still deny
that I am real
The Phantom of the Disco
is there-
inside your orange peel.
SH- woah this is getting
really weird.

In the light of a hundred
lava lamps at chernobyl the
phantom appears and beckons
to Mindy.  She rises and moves
slowly toward him in a trance
like state.  She glances back
at S.H. to say.
MINDY- Disco is dead snookums.
where did you think I learned 
all those moves.
PHANTOM- Come my angel of
disco.
MINDY- I'm coming, I'm coming
don't get your cape in a knot.
SH- Did I miss something?
MINDY- Yeah you never did find
out who killed Laura Palmer 
did you?  See ya later honey
bunches of oats.

With that the phantom wrapped
his cape around her and they
both disappeared.  S.H. 
considered what a nifty trick
that was.  But soon he got to
the matter at hand, was his
girlfriend just kidnapped?
And if so does this mean that
in his first video game he's
already stuck in the least
imaginative video game plot
device ever devised.  After
a few therapy sessions he 
came to terms that this was
a mundane rescue the princess
type plot and he set off to
find the entrance to the 
phantom's lair.

Somewhere in Redwood

Yes we've returned to the big
bug guy.  He readies the list
of the 7 artifacts of the
facilitator.   Then sends it
to the daughter of Nestor
in a psychic vision.  
Promising her the defeat of 
her nemesis on delivery of
the totems.  She is told that
they are an integral part of
a ritual to destroy Zealos
(pronounced zEElowZ).
Immediately she begins 
trying to find the
hamster to whisk him to her
caravan.  They have much to
talk about indeedy.

The Phantom's Lair

Deep in the sewers the phantom
makes his home.  He takes 
Mindy through the sludgy 
rivers to a chamber full of
lava lamps on sticks.  He 
leads her onto the hard wood
floor and gazes into her eyes.
PHANTOM- Are we having fun
yet?
MINDY- Ack! you've pluralized
me!
PHANTOM- No no no I meant are
you and I having fun yet.
MINDY- Then you should have
said that, I don't feel 
comfortable enough in this
relationship to make a pronoun
with you.
PHANTOM- Stop the insanity!
MINDY- tee hee
PHANTOM- what?
MINDY- You sound just like 
that bald chick on TV.  Only
you have a higher voice.
PHANTOM- Blah Blah!
I suppose I have to get all
hypnotic again
Slowly, Gently, Night unfurls
its splendor.
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous
and tender.  Turn your face
away from the garish light 
of day.  Turn your thoughts
away from the cold unfeeling
light, and listen to the music
of the...
Night Fever Night Fever

As the chamber errupts with 
disco medelies the phantom
extends his hand to Mindy
PHANTOM- Come on babe lets
boogie
MINDY- It's a stupid plot,
so sue us.

Meanwhile in the Disco

S.H. approaches the bar and
takes a seat, which he 
deftly falls out of, landing
on his face.
BARTENDER- Those stools are
ergonomically self correcting,
molded with a thousand wave 
table samples of the human 
buttocks.  Your stumpy tail
must have thrown it off, or
made it throw you off as the
case may be.
SH- yeah that's funny stuff.
But enough of this banter,
how is it you know so much
about samples of the human
buttock?
BARTENDER- I'm Don the 
epileptic bartender, I manage
the place.
SH- ah so your Don, well, the
name's Hamster
Super Hamster
My friends call me Friskey
You can call me Ray or you can
call me Jay.  Why do they call
you Don the epiletic bartender
DON- Because my name is Donald
and I tend bar and I have
conditional epilepsy.
SH- conditional?
DON-yeah I only have a seizure
when I hear the name C-H-A-R-
L-E-S-R-I-C-H-T-E-R.
SH- You realize of course that
I now must say it.
DON- of course
SH- No offense intended
DON- None taken
SH- Charles Richter
 
After a spectacular seizure 
Don regains composure
DON- I seem to have wet 
myself.
SH- Get back into life with
depends.  But enough of this
fun and fits.  Do you know
anything about the hidden
lair of the Phantom of the
disco?  I think he kidnapped
my significant other.  
DON- Yeah it's in the sewer 
right beneath here.
SH- thanx, one more thing, is
that the village people I hear
DON- Yeah, why?
SH- Oh nothing, I used to have
nightmares that the indian was
coming to eat me.
DON- He likes to be called the
native american now.
SH- geez but I hate political
correctness.
DON- who doesn't?
SH- Barney, but I digress. 
DON- I guess that's all the
exposition I can help with.
SH- I think not, I need to 
borrow you for a second.

With that our fearless furball
carried Don over to a weak 
spot in the illuminated floor
and, holding him by the ankles
in jackhammer position, said
SH- Charles Richter
With that Don began gyrating
wildly and tearing through
the floor while S.H. guided 
him.  Eventually he penetrated
the stone walls of the sewer
and made a spiffy entrance
to the Phantom's lair.
SH- Thanks for all the help
Donny
DON- don't mention it
SH- I'm gonna scoot back
up to the catwalk now.
DON- The cat walk, but
why?  Shouldn't you go to the
lair, especially after using 
my head as an entrenching 
device.  
SH- I would but after this
excruciatingly long opening
I think the good people want
a couple of stages before they
have to read again so I'll 
just come back down through
the disco again.
DON- Okay, and thank you for
all your help.
SH- your welcome, um, what
help?
DON- I don't know, I guess I
got one to many whacks on the
strobe light if you know what
I mean.
SH- I'm sure I don't but I'm
sure it's something special.
And remember your a special 
person!  Have an extra special
day, from your friend
S U P E R  H A M S T E R


